Attraversiamo ! 

on contemplating being comfortable with my own skin - for 32 years, and the thought about much quieter life...

So here I am, another rings, another calling, another 5th of July. 


Another sacred date that drawn me a little while. Sometimes makes me can't stand on not contemplating what has been going on..a cliche..yet another pause time to looked back on where I've been...I just can't stand it. 


I don't know where I've been this past last year , indeed, I have been lost for quite a long long time. 
I just want to be found , I just want to find my way through a leeway and finally breathing again. Breathing the air of ...comfort zone. 


I hate being a pessimist and a cynic. But there's just something you can't do about being older (sigh - I hate that word!) well..ok...about gaining one more year and not even tempted on doing this kinda melancholic stuff...


Especially last year has been... horrendous. I sometimes thinking back how could I live this way, I changed into something I am not in the past. But probably that's what the rumors all about - change is actually the only certain thing in your life. That's it.


On contemplating this what so called birthday . I just realized as I grew up, you don't really sweat the small stuff -and you have too. 

This year , I did not got a simple CALL from my besties. They turned out in emails/message/FACEBOOK of course/whatsapp and all those techies stuffs. I kinda miss old days of classic proper way of saying "happy birthday" like you mean it. And I know it suppose means nothing. It supposed they still somewhat ...my besties...
But how could I sure. 


I get bitter. I thought people just getting busier and busier, drained out in their own endless knots and rumbles in this hectic life. How could I know - if amid those chaos - they still remembered me a bit... 


However. One thing for sure. Time passes, the wheel of life is indeed moving around..somehow it's good to be Not-on-the-top to really know who stays. Not much. But I am sure they are my precious ones. I just can't stand another fake - artificial - smile ....please don't. 


And oh yes, this is much quieter life. But somehow I started to get along really well with...my own self. The soul dwell within this weary body. I over analysed her, I criticized her, I pointed her, I mad at her, I pushed her more, yet at the end - I think I still loved her no matter what. 


I tried to understand what makes her happy and what makes her annoyed. I learned more on what motivate her and make her proud and what disgusts her. She is a little - too - annoyed sometimes , yet she's still a strong soul wanting to rest for a while. I gave her sometimes. 


It's ok. 


I know she will be eventually get well alright. 


Happy birthday to my own little 32 years old - self. Attraversiamo! We'll crossed it over. 


Another hour to end my journey.
5 July 2012 

- just a humming bird -