Attraversiamo ! 

on contemplating being comfortable with my own skin - for 32 years, and the thought about much quieter life...

So here I am, another rings, another calling, another 5th of July. 


Another sacred date that drawn me a little while. Sometimes makes me can't stand on not contemplating what has been going on..a cliche..yet another pause time to looked back on where I've been...I just can't stand it. 


I don't know where I've been this past last year , indeed, I have been lost for quite a long long time. 
I just want to be found , I just want to find my way through a leeway and finally breathing again. Breathing the air of ...comfort zone. 


I hate being a pessimist and a cynic. But there's just something you can't do about being older (sigh - I hate that word!) well..ok...about gaining one more year and not even tempted on doing this kinda melancholic stuff...


Especially last year has been... horrendous. I sometimes thinking back how could I live this way, I changed into something I am not in the past. But probably that's what the rumors all about - change is actually the only certain thing in your life. That's it.


On contemplating this what so called birthday . I just realized as I grew up, you don't really sweat the small stuff -and you have too. 

This year , I did not got a simple CALL from my besties. They turned out in emails/message/FACEBOOK of course/whatsapp and all those techies stuffs. I kinda miss old days of classic proper way of saying "happy birthday" like you mean it. And I know it suppose means nothing. It supposed they still somewhat ...my besties...
But how could I sure. 


I get bitter. I thought people just getting busier and busier, drained out in their own endless knots and rumbles in this hectic life. How could I know - if amid those chaos - they still remembered me a bit... 


However. One thing for sure. Time passes, the wheel of life is indeed moving around..somehow it's good to be Not-on-the-top to really know who stays. Not much. But I am sure they are my precious ones. I just can't stand another fake - artificial - smile ....please don't. 


And oh yes, this is much quieter life. But somehow I started to get along really well with...my own self. The soul dwell within this weary body. I over analysed her, I criticized her, I pointed her, I mad at her, I pushed her more, yet at the end - I think I still loved her no matter what. 


I tried to understand what makes her happy and what makes her annoyed. I learned more on what motivate her and make her proud and what disgusts her. She is a little - too - annoyed sometimes , yet she's still a strong soul wanting to rest for a while. I gave her sometimes. 


It's ok. 


I know she will be eventually get well alright. 


Happy birthday to my own little 32 years old - self. Attraversiamo! We'll crossed it over. 


Another hour to end my journey.
5 July 2012 

- just a humming bird - 

Big Universe

dear BIG BIG BIG Universe outthere..here I am a little microscopic tiny dot in your grand majesty. 

be kind to me...

I am afraid of uncertainty...

sincerely,

- justhummingbird-

pseudo gypsy...

another day ...
another fucking packing day to be exact...
this is it - will be the last friday ever at Notting Hill Gate - my first place - the one that I got on my own since I came to L town...

here's lie a dream - a hope - and a little enthusiasm..
amids Victorian concrete jungle and big white painted framed Georgian Windows

text to night : 

He   "Hiya gypsy...how's your packing going ?"

Me   "me ? gypsy..."

He   "well...we are. we're pseudo-gypsy in a sense. we never settling down - and always moving-on

Me   " can I call? "

He   " sure , call me up..what's up?"

Me   "........"

He got me thinkin......

Do I really never settling down...physically, mentally, emotionally,
probably I am a gypsy re-born soul
here ...there....and everywhere..

but probably it's a good definition , that I never stumbled upon the rock and stop

I carry on only my bag and my freedom...

back to packing,sigh,01.34am, notting hill gate over looking serene ladbroke grove, London.


-just humming bird-

would you like a cup of tea?

need to write ups some delayed jobs?
bringing your "baggage" from the office?
needs to pull your self together in front of your laptop instead of enjoying wild friday night?

pissed no more!
lets sit by the window
collect our thoughts and
sip this warm african mint tea
(i am sorry if that understated this chuncky sponge vanilla cupcakes sitting next to my laptop - i dont mean it!)


hummmm - oh can I be careless with this boring excel ? i wanna enjoy the sunsets at Notting Hill from my big white framed victorian window!!



a cup of mint tea,a vanilla
cupcakes,and sunsets are perfect matches (but a working laptop???blimey!!)


my tires fingers pointing half of the cake toward my working neighbours =) pardon me mates!



-just humming bird,Notting Hill,London-

my new love: primrose bakery cupcakes

it's love at the first sight! yes, it's official.


yesterday, I was so low. thinking about going out - seeing one of my friend - talking about ideas and expectation - pretty much about nothingness.

and here we are.
on the secret areas along the little venetian canal behind the camden lock...
I just realized there's always something secretive - something hidden - something wanting to be explored and something desperately seeking to be found in London!

secret alley, narrow cul de sac, hidden mews with secret gardens! awee! I love it. it's like playing where's wally in victorian garden background. (we're aristocrat british eehh!)

finally after a cold walk with crazy wind blowed our extremely dry  face skin ...we found a little hill after we passed the canal

people call it primrose hill.
and in the cold wintery afternoon - what time is it? 4pm/ perfect...


suddenly we're facing a lil cute cupcakes shop on the hill
The door and windows frame painted in bright jumpy yellow.
The big windows displaying a layer cake , half cut lemon drizzle, and seems like just baked chocolate layer...(drooling)


we saw from a big window, old couple grandma and grandpa enjoying their cupcakes of the day with a cup of early gray  tea (with mik oh these british they are too cute!) while commenting on some pictures about house interiors...(all the love in the world  - I can see it in their eyes)


so as we entered the door - a black lady with thick brit accent said : hey darling bear with me a sec, i'll come back to you...
as my friend ask for a cup of cappucino and a mocha cupcakes, I fall for more classic ever choice, a red velvet with vanilla icing cupcakes and a cup of mint tea.(ahhhhh I want some more now!!!)


as we sat facing the old couple enjoying the afternoon gone by...I know I have found my new love. VANILLA CUPCAKES FROM LIL PRIMROSE BAKERY!!!


#addicted!!! I am afraid I will enter diabetic problem soon!

 

the famous yellow door - aah!

Vanilla icing - and red velvet cookies along with mint tea

view from the top of pretty primrose hill

on the display - berries of the jungle! aaaawww

me, greedy humming bird, Primrose hill, London

I do not forget what I am made of .it's in my blood

So here I am.
celebrating another Chinese New Year with different point of view. This year . It's different...

amids big concrete jungle of victorian buildings and dark London sky , I am thinking ...who am I and what am I doing here...

In faraway place , foreign place, you will thinking more and more seriously about the element that made you as you
You will find out that this is me - different from everyone else here - well minority. thats what I can say.

In my own place, in Jakarta, in Indonesia, I never been ever this patriotic to thinking and digesting the meaning of the Chinese New Year. Apart that my family (mom&dad) do not celebrate the Imlek it self, it's also meaning no more than just another "annual get together for glorious Chinese food and Ang Pao (red envelope of money!) here and there)". Well I never really feel Imlek as my day  or our day (for my family) , it's more to their day - as them refer to my big family of the Tjoa's. 
At that time we're thinking that we're just participating to the Tjoa's big celebration as we claim we're more western in a sense of celebrating Christmas more with my oma and big Christmas tree and many presents - as the western way - the one you can see in Hollywood blink Xmas movie...


This is funny.
But now, as I am far away.. since couple of years ago when I live far from home
I'd like to claim Imlek as my day too!!
Seeing the big announcement of future coming CNY celebration in Trafalgar Square - the heart of London's China Town - I wanna say : HEY ME...I ALSO WANT TO TAKE PART ..ME TOO. ...I WANNA BE A PART OF IT...


Imlek for me..
its more as a justification , a reminder, a memento, a moment, an exclamation that I do not forgetting what I am made of. I remember and take pride and joy of my heritage.
I took a calm pause to really define what I am. What had made me as me today.
Sheila, the proud daughter of my great dad, Tjoa Kim Hok.
The grand grand grand children of my great great great great grandfather who has come along the way to set  their foot and their existence on the land of Indonesia.
I want this last forever for billions of next generations to come. To remember those in the past who had made me as me today...


This is for you dad.
This is for you my great great grandfathers
This is for you my ancestors

I do not forget what I am made of. It's in my blood.


Gong Xi Fa Cai 2011 as I bow to the grand majesty of many great spirits ahead of me in my solitude.


- my name is Sheila Tjoa, and I am not ashamed of it  -

a rude awakening

what people say it seems true

you don't know what you have 'till it's gone

but then for me...

it ain't over baby , till it's over...

hey London, I won't give up

not that easily..

sky and sunshine is my witness , today.....

though rude awakening , let it be...

-from my living room facing gleaming northern sky - 

a humming bird